Looking to incorporate some humour into your speech? Try adding in some of these wedding jokes!
Via Red On Blonde
Cracking The Safe…
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.
The Tough Truth…
Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin? —Monica Hesse, writer
The Rings…
For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!
The Diagnosis…
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
So many tiers…
It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
Always Right…
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Faults And All…
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Pants Man…
I’m not a yes man to my wife – when she says no, I say no. It’s not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets.
The Wedding Night…
Did you hear about the newlyweds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
It was the first night of the newly weds in their bridal suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting.
“Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily.
“Not on your life!” he replied. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m not going to miss it for anything!”
Laundry Day…
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Hallelujah!…
They’ve been together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus!
The Finer Things…
She (the bride) loves the finer things in life. I overheard her when the minister was going through the vows – she said “What’s all this garbage about for richer or for poorer?”
The Kid Future…
It would be wonderful someday to see ______ (bride) and ______ (groom) have children. I think people who never have children just don’t understand what they’re missing. They’ll never know the thrill of coming home after a hard day of work to see their children stuffing spaghetti up their noses.
Facebook Knowledge…
Children are essential in modern-day life – without them, how the hell would you upload anything to Facebook.
Florist Humour…
Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.
Super Stunned…
The bride looks absolutely stunning, the groom looks absolutely stunned!
For Better Or Worse…
They married for better or for worse – He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse!
Darling, tonight you will sink into my arms and tomorrow your arms will be in my sink.
Aisle, Alter, Hymn…
Before her wedding, a young bride got more and more nervous about the wedding ceremony so she went to see the minister. He reassured her by pointing out that the ceremony was quite simple.
‘You enter the church and walk up the AISLE.
The groom will be waiting for you at the ALTAR.
Everyone will then sing a HYMN to start the ceremony’ said the minister. Just remember the order and everything will be fine.
On their wedding day, the bride remembered the order and arrived alongside the groom muttering to herself, AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN, AISLE ALTER, HYMN – or as the groom thought he heard “I’ll alter him!”
Two Spiders…
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.
So Much Trust…
Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history – it’s the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!”
The Natural Elements…
Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
To Love, Honour and Annoy…
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Mow The Lawn…
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They are hard to get started, they give off foul odours, and do not work half the time.
Football Fever…
I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
So Unprepared…
Hi everyone! I’m (Name) and it’s time for me to give the speech I frantically scribbled down 15 minutes ago!
Terms And Conditions…
Arguing with the wife/husband is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go ‘I agree.’
In Loving Memory…
Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
Good Advice…
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
So you’ve nailed the wedding jokes! Do you now need some tips on how to write the perfect wedding speech? Check them out here!
